Emily (cerealchick) wrote in pluralechoes,
Emily
cerealchick
pluralechoes

yes I'm RAHTHAH AHTSY tonight

count
one. two. three. with
you and I in lines
and lines
on dark nights
with sharp wind
blowing the smoke away whip whoosh off our voices
down the street
with the leaves in
waves and circles.
us in lines.
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i REALLY loved this one... it makes my life... especially one part, which i thought you could change if u want...

"with sharp wind
blowing the smoke away whip whoosh off our voices"

i loved that, but i thought it would be really cool if you added a comma, and got rid of "blowing."

"with sharp wind,
the smoke away whip whoosh off our voices"

its just such a cool line either way
:) thank you for sharing em!
yay! I'm so happy to get a comment, especially a good one from someone like you.

that's a good idea. I don't know, I'm too tired to think about it now. there was something about that line that I did think was off when I wrote it, that might be a good solution. I'll try tomorrow.
instead of getting rid of, "blowing" I'm changing it and getting rid of "the", so it's

"with sharp wind
blows smoke away whip whoosh off our voices"

Because I like it that way. And if nothing else, people can look at it and be like, "Hmm, note the change in tense here bla bla bla."